At the moment I think I'm going to die a few times a day. Whenever I go upstairs I think I'm going to die. Everytime I go downstairs I think I'm going to die. Because I can't catch my breath and during that time it feels like I'll never catch it. It feels like I can't get any air in. And every single time I think "This is it".
Yesterday evening it took three hours for me to get my breath back after just eating my dinner. Just now I came upstairs and sat in the bathroom gasping while my whole body suddenly went red hot. Now I'm lying on my bed exhausted and still trying to breath properly.
Now I know what scares me the most about dying. It's not leaving people behind or the fear of no longer existing. What scares me the most is going through the physical process of death. That I won't be in a hospital where they can make me comfortable or put me in a coma. That I'll be completly conscious while I gasp for air and my body gives up. I can only imagine that must be what drowning feels like. And that scares the shit out of me.
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