Losing control

Today has not been the best. My breathing has been strained most of the day and the oxygen doesn't seem to do much to ease it. The estate agent emailed Nick to ask if we could be out by 28th Feb which is just over a week away. I immediately started panicking and I just couldn't catch my breath. It was horrendous. I think it's because I can't do anything. Under normal circumstances I'd leap up and charge around trying to sort everything out at once. This time I just sat there feeling completely useless. I know Nick and our families will be able to manage to do it all without me but I just start panicking whenever I think about everything we need to pack and sort out. I've started panicking now just typing this!

I feel like I'm losing control and everything is slipping away from me. I can't do anything. As soon as I move I get breathless. I just sit doing nothing. It takes me ages to get up the momentum to move to get anything or do anything. I'm terrified of losing my breath because it's so hard getting it back. When I'm sitting like this I know some of it must be psychological but I can't stop it. I'm so scared of not getting my breath back. I feel like I'm going downhill and one day it's all just going to end. It's all happening so quickly what if it doesn't stop? What if I can't stabilise? It could be weeks or even days before I die. I need to keep going as long as possible but I feel like my lungs are giving up. I don't think I can keep going long enough for them to find a match. I don't want to die but I can't stop it. This is so hard. This is so unfair.